I have a whole other little world in my brain

Hey! So I've decided to give blogging ago, again! Third times the charm :) 

I'll bore you with a link to my old blogs at the bottom of this post. That of course, is if you're not bored by this and actually reach the end! I don't actually expect anybody to read my blog, but if you do please don't read an run - Like, comment and subscribe! Is that even a thing for blogs? I hear it so often on Youtube videos haha! 

  

So why am I starting again? Well, I literally have no friends.. lol!

I've nobody I can just vent at or talk too and I feel for my own metal health, that just writing it down might help me deal with things a little better.. It sucks that I cant talk to anyone and it does get pretty lonely, but in some respects I guess only have myself to blame! I mean, who would want to be friends with me?  

People grow, change and move on.

Most of my friends moved as far away from home as possible after college / university and to be fair, if I could, I would too! Where I live isn't the most exciting place in the world and there isn't many opportunity's here. It's pretty hard to keeping in touch. Life gets in the way, time zones, distance.. At one point I found myself driving miles and miles to visit people, but my body struggles with car journeys and it often felt that I wasn't getting that amount of effort back. People wouldn't or couldn't travel to see me, it was a little one sided and I didn't feel it was fair me spending petrol money all the time. But yeah, I guess life happens, people change, their needs change and people move on...

It doesn't help that I have communication issues.. For a long time I just gave up trying and I would always blame my Fibromyalgia. I've had it since as long as I can remember and over the years it's gotten worse. Much worse after high school.. With Fibromyalia I get really bad brain fog or 'Fibro fog'. It causes me to forget what I'm talking about half way through a conversation, pause, stutter, slur my words, say completely different words to what I want to say, verbal diarrhoea.. A total mind F*ck. It's extremely annoying and highly embarrassing. So my answer was to just stop talking..I'll try to proof read all this before publishing, but you might notice I type completely different words too!
 Fibro has had a big impact on any friendships I did have. With the not being able to communicate and then constantly having to cancel any plans I did have with friends because my body would say no. People only have so much patients, after a while they give up on you and stop inviting you to things. It's also soul destroying when you get so excited about doing something with someone, only for your stupid body fail to say no. To save your self more hurt you start to give up on yourself too. 


Another reason I think I have no friends is because I'm highly annoying and I think I can be pretty selfish. When I do manage to communicate I get so excited or have to plan things ahead, that I constantly interrupt people when they are speaking just so I can get it out before I forget. I know I'm doing it and even I know its extremely annoying, but I cant help it!So yeah, I'm a great big pain in the ass, who lives in her own little bubble and I can see why no one likes me. I don't even like me! Not anymore anyway. Since work stopped me dying my hair every week, having a baby, putting on weight and hitting the big 3 0 last year I've lost who I am. I wont even take a photo of myself anymore. Ugh.

So this blog might be a bit of a journey to finding me again and a mental outlet.

Old Blogs.

'Sho-Dawg' - The nickname given to me by a friend at college. Yo Sho-Dawg! A blog filled with my excitement of becoming newly engaged. Lots of wedding plotting, future hopes / goals. *Spoiler alert* I never got married! Part of me still hopes, believes, that I'll get a fairy tail one day. 

'Adventures of a crazy cat lady' - My partner got a Bengal cat and the idea was that it would help stop me becoming so lonely while he worked nights. Instead she became a whole new addiction...  What as I thinking?! haha. The blog is an example of my addiction to online shopping. I had no friends and spending money was a way of curing my boredom and loneliness. I became a member of what you could call a 'cult'. Part of a group of girls who called themselves 'sharkies'.. Black Milk Clothing 'addicts' who would chat online and all become nylon ninjas buying and getting excited over clothes..  I cant spend money anymore (need money for home improvements), I'm starting to get pretty low and depressed now I no longer have that outlet . Whenever I was feeling bored or lonely, I would spend hours online just looking at pretty things and spending money. The short 'high' from receiving shiny new nylon helped me deal with things. Its not healthy and I have so so SO much crap I don't use or wear. So much!!!!

My last post -''I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately! Theres been some.. 'Issues' at work recently and I've been under a lot of stress, working overtime, canceling time off / holidays.. Oh, the joys of being a manager. Busy busy busy! It’ll all be worth it in the long run, right?'' 

I hope this blog doesn't stop short again like the others and work, was it all worth it? Stay 'tuned'? :P